


Welcome to The Den of Madmen

by CastelloFlare



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-13
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-23 08:59:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/924468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastelloFlare/pseuds/CastelloFlare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jaeger couldn’t count the number of times his childhood had been repeatedly and utterly ruined by the Scouting Legion. New recruits always have it hard, even without their superiors making sure that they get to do the shittiest jobs on the force which ranged from the dirtiest like cleaning the lavatories to the weirdest, which includes human plushies, hidden cameras, and, well, Hanji Zoe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 'prelude to madness'

Today was a fine day with clear blue skies up ahead; birds singing like Snow White’s backup animal singers, the air filled with the scent of freshly baked bread and pastries, people bustling about coping with their own daily struggles in life. But deep within the heart of Wall Rose, in the Scouting Legion’s headquarters, in a very secret room that you wouldn’t even know it was secret at all, Eren Jaeger was wailing.

Beside him, Jean Kirschtein’s face was contorted into an expression you would have when you’re having a bad stomach and yet you’re in a crowded bus following a route far away from any civilization, along a rocky road with no stops or any public toilets in sight. And worse, he did feel like he was going to piss or maybe even shit his pants anytime now.

“There, there, Eren!” Hanji patted Jaeger’s back in a way you would whack a tennis ball with a racquet. Eren almost lost his balance, and most likely his lungs and other internal organs that threatened to plunge out his throat, but the piercing annoyed-at-his-existence heat waves pulsing from Corporal Levi’s eyes pushed him back into equilibrium.

“It’s not so bad. The Scouting Legion does this all the time,” Hanji said a little too happily and in almost a falsetto, which sounded too high for the two new recruits. She continued in her gleeful voice, “How else do you think this organization gets all its money for expeditions and such?”

“I don’t know, maybe through the generous donations of kind-hearted townspeople and taxes gained from legal and honest transactions?” Eren ventured.

“There’s that! And then there’s this too!” Hanji almost squealed in obvious delight as she shoved human-sized pillows into Eren’s and Jean’s terrified faces. You’d think that after facing and killing off dumb-looking titans that they’d stand their ground before cottony soft, fluffy pillows.

“Permission to speak, sir…” Jean said, evidently trying his best to sound composed but failing. “May we know how you’re getting our faces… I mean whole bodies… on these pillows?”

“Secret cameras,” Levi replied nonchalantly. “The legion isn’t so cheap, you know.”

Hanji had brought in three pillows for sample. One was of Jean himself, which looked like he had just gotten out of the baths with only his boxers and a towel around his neck. His face seemed flushed from the heat of the bath water, but on the pillow he looked like he was blushing. Like a hero of some flowery shoujou manga.

The second one was of Nanaba, and in the picture printed on the pillow, it looked like he was in the middle of undressing his shirt. The third and last of the samples was of their fellow rookie Connie Springer who seemed to be taking a shit on the grass somewhere in the grounds …

“…Who’d buy that… Connie…” Eren did not know whether to laugh, cry, or actually feel pity for the boy with the shaved head. How happy he must be being ignorant of the fact that his ass was actually selling in the black market.

“Look, we make the pillows based on what people ask us through our private database,” Levi said. Eren shuddered at how the Corporal could be so indifferent about this, but he decided to ignore this, because people just have their own hobbies, and some are just stranger than others.

“Whose idea of fuckery is this?” Jean thought to himself, but unconsciously voiced it loud enough for the other three to hear.

“You dare question art and originality, punk?” Levi shot him with his signature death glare.

“… No, sir,” Jean shuddered and made a mental note reminding himself not to be stupid.

“Isn’t this a violation of some kind to our privacy?” Eren’s hands were balled and sweaty and shaking, yet he continued, “I mean shouldn’t we be informed first? Like sign a petition or consent for this…”

Levi sighed heavily as if he had just heard the dumbest thing for today. “Of course you were. When Irvin gave you rookies his speech about joining the Scouting Legion, he had mentioned that aside from the mental trauma of fighting titans, you would have to surrender yourself to the various eccentricities and long-held traditions of the legion, regardless of circumstance and no matter the cost, be it your health or sanity, as long as it contributes to the welfare of the people.”

Jean did kind of remember that the Commander had said something of the sort, but he was sure that after he had said something along the lines of ‘So will you be able to go die if you’re told to?’, he had already escaped into the deep recesses of his fragile mind and hugged his knees as he rocked back and forth, back and forth…

Hanji clapped her hands and got everyone’s attention back to her. “That’s enough talk! Now, you might be wondering why out of all the new recruits you two were specially selected and called into this secret room today.”

Eren was more concerned about the limits of his own sanity, while Jean was busy scanning the walls and ceiling with his eyes for some hidden cameras; after all this could all be just a big joke, and Ashton Kutcher was just hiding in another secret room. Nonetheless, both of them were sure that the reason was just because the higher ups were full of shit and were the types to take pleasure from the rookies’ misery.

There was no stopping Hanji. “Actually, we in the Scouting Legion have these black market operations that consist mainly of selling human-sized pillows featuring the most popular and also dubbed sexiest soldiers. This actually started out as an idea from a drinking game, but it’s quite genius isn’t it? The pillows have been selling so well for so long that we have been able to expound our horizons to creating human plushies! We even have our monthly best-selling rankings and…!”

“We’re placing you both on Communications,” Levi cut Hanji off her almost ballistic state by kicking her behind her left knee. And as if he were talking about the weather, he continued, “You are to stay in the secret headquarters where some of your superiors and fellow neophytes are already accepting orders and packing boxes of the products. Hanji and I will just accompany you there, and you will receive further instructions once you get inside. Understood?”

‘Communications’? What did he mean by that? And fellow neophytes? Does that mean their classmates were there already, drowning in the sorrow that was mental trauma? Eren and Jean were curious, but were already far too mentally drained to start raising questions.

The two rookies felt a lump at each of their throats. They had heard that the Corporal was a former prominent person from the underworld, and it would make sense if these black market dealings could have been his idea. It wouldn’t be so strange, too, if it was all Hanji’s idea. Or maybe a collaboration of both.

They followed their two superiors down the corridors and into a flight of stairs spiralling deep into the basement area. With their shoulders drooping, Eren and Jean felt resigned to their inevitable fates, relying only onto the hope that they could get out of this situation with their sanity intact.


	2. 'it gets crazier'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise might just be the middle name of the Scouting Legion. Or maybe Troll.

When the four had reached the bottom of the stairwell, there was nothing but a hallway leading to a heavy and rather menacing metal door with a little sliding plate at the center. For a moment, Eren Jaeger thought that there might be a bouncer or a gang inside, and swallowed hard in his throat. After all, they were dealing with the black market here.

“Ooooi! Open up!” Hanji Zoe called out, her overly excited and rather pitchy voice echoing throughout the yellow brick walls. A few seconds and a pair of hurried footsteps later, the little metal plate slid open, revealing a pair of sharp blue eyes.

“Hanji, I told you to use the intercom by the door,” came the rough manly voice at the other side.

“You know better than to expect that of her, zacsniffer,” Levi said. “And please use the user-defined pseudonyms. This is about black market transactions, after all.”

“I apologize,” said zacsniffer without really sounding apologetic in the least. “Greetings, deadfish_eyes0069, trolling-megane-san, and… specially selected recruits. Please perform the password to enter.”

“Perform?” Eren said with a quizzical expression on his face. Weren’t passwords just WORDS that allowed you to PASS through? Shouldn’t they just say the password out loud, and then be done with it so that they can quickly move on into the next phase of their agony?

“Eren, Eren, Eren,” Hanji clicked her tongue and shook her head as if to mock pity for his naivety. “Things are never simple in the Scouting Legion, and it isn’t any different in the black market. Put them both together, and you get a shitload of complicated things, but that just makes it more interesting, right?”

They honestly couldn’t agree with her and so they decided to stay silent. Behind her, Jean Kirschtein ignored her question and asked what this whole password thing was.

“I’ll explain,” Levi said rather loudly so as to stop his hyper active colleague from acting up again, and to finish things up for him to quickly make his departure from the underground. He still had to meet with Commander Erwin Smith as they do every day, for some playtime that was unknown to everyone in the force…

Hanji motioned for the two to make some room for their Corporal to move about. In his mind, Eren was thinking what kind of elaborate stunt this one could be, but he didn’t have to wonder for too long as Levi cleared his throat and began the procedure.

With utmost grace and precision in his movements, the pokerfaced Corporal started showing them the steps to the password in succession:

“First raise both arms. Wiggle them. Do the same with your hips and legs. Make sure to add some spirit and enthusiasm. And while you’re doing that, yell in a high-pitched voice (which he did): ‘I PLEDGE SECRECY AND LOYALTY TO THE CULT’. And then… why aren’t you guys following me?”

Eren and Jean cringed at the deathglare sent their way. Muffled laughter could be heard from behind the metal door, and Levi shot his deathglare there, too, but the daggers bounced off the metal and found their way on Hanji’s butt. In other words, Levi indirectly checked her ass out... Just kidding.

“… It’s not really a cult, isn’t it?” Jean asked, his voice shaking.

“No, but one of your superiors in this business wanted it that way because it is, and I quote—” Levi did the ‘rabbit’ with both of his hands and in his best yet seemingly worst imitation of a shrill and annoying voice, said, “… ‘more mysterious and waaaay cooler.’”

Behind him, a hyperactive Hanji was pointing to herself and mouthing the words ‘That genius was me!’.

“Now make sure to follow after me, or else…” Levi said, grimacing. He really had to go meet Irvin now, and his patience was wearing thinner faster than old man Pixis’ hair.

So they wiggled their hands in the air, shook their bodies, yelled at the top of their lungs with the most spirit that they could muster. What came next was a series of weird and embarrassing moves that they were not really proud of doing, but were coerced to by their shitty superiors. The password ended with them posing just like how Eren and their fellow rookie Reiner Braun did after getting owned by Annie Leonhart.

“… Good enough,” said Levi, expressionless, but feeling very proud in the inside. After all, he had come up with those artistic moves himself. Another two new souls to add to the list of people blessed with this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of being under his aerobics-slash-zumba (?) tutelage. They should be proud.

“That’s great! You guys have been doing well so far,” Hanji said as she gave them her thumbs-up. “The last step is quite difficult, though, and this is the reason why only a few selected people can actually join us…”

“What is it?” Eren asked, feeling a little bit tired. Although after all the embarrassment he’d been through, he thought he could take on anything without feeling anything at this point. What Hanji said next didn’t prepare him enough, unfortunately.

“To end the password, you have to stay just like that, holding that position. You have to…” and Hanji paused, to let the suspense sink in.

…wait for it…

Eren felt like his blood was rushing to his head. He felt faint.

Any time now…

Jean could feel the burrito he ate this morning climb back up his esophagus. He fought hard not to gag, especially not with his mouth over his nose, his eyes…

“… Lay an egg! Like a chicken!”

“WHAT!?” the two rookies screamed in unison.

Jean’s barf came out the moment he opened his mouth to say that one syllable word. He instantly regretted not being strong enough to hold it in as his vision was clouded with god-knows-what, which also got into his nose. Eren just… farted. He didn’t know why he did, but that might have been a big piece of his belief in humanity flying out of his ass.

“BWAHAHA! TROLLED YA!” Hanji curled into her stomach as she fell to the floor, pounding on it with her fist. Levi just stood there totally disconnected from them as he worried about how much time he had already wasted just breathing in the same air as these idiots. And worse, breathing in Eren’s fart. Behind the metal door, the sound of stifled laughter ensued.

Eren and Jean lay there upside down, wondering if after all this, they will still have some respect for their superiors, and more importantly, in themselves.


	3. 'we're ninjas, man'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The misfortunes of Eren Jaeger and Jean Kirschtein continue.

Jean Kirschtein’s face smelled of partly digested burrito and something else he did not want to know, nor name, for that matter. After having been given a washcloth and granted permission to enter through the metal door and into the dark abyss that was their fate, he had been sniffed at by Mike Zacarius, who went by the pseudonym zacsniffer. Because he was already too mentally drained and humiliated, Jean did not respond to this odd welcoming at all, so he didn’t see Mike take a whiff of his head and afterwards, smile with half-lidded eyes.

However, his classmate, Eren Jaeger, did. And he wondered what kind of nose would take pleasure in smelling barf.

The room behind the metal door betrayed all the mystery that their superiors had imprinted on it, and made the two young lads question what all that fiasco they did was really about. It was just a simple lounge that seemed to be furnished like any other office. There were couches perpendicular to each other propped against two of the four walls, and a table in the center where some blank ID slates and two markers lay neatly. Before Eren could wonder about them, Hanji Zoe had taken the spotlight once more.

“Congratulations! You guys are officially a part of the Ninja Incorporation of Pillows-Production and League of Entrepreneurs!” Hanji said in a tone that had so much spirit in it. Eren and Jean wondered how she managed not to tangle her tongue with that mouthful of words.

“Let me explain the name,” Hanji adjusted her glasses with her thumb and forefinger, which was quite unnecessary because her glasses were just in place; she just wanted some light to reflect on them so as to give the impression that she was about to do something cool and extraordinary, which clearly she wasn’t. People around her didn’t know whether to applaud her solely for her confidence or for her extreme level of… eccentricity, both of which were quite unique to her in the force.

“We are called a ‘Ninja Incorporation’ because as we all know, ninjas are…” she left the sentence hanging for the two recruits to guess.

“Invisible?” Eren ventured.

“Good answer, Jaeger!” Hanji said with obvious delight. “But I’m afraid your view on ninjas is quite shallow! The real answer is –” and she did a drumroll, “… because ninjas are sly and sneaky! Moving on, ‘Pillows-Production’—”

“I think they already understand well enough, trolling-megane-san,” Levi said with his arms crossed above his chest. Eren and Jean thought that the Corporal was being thoughtful about their ears eventually bleeding while listening to Hanji’s over-excited voice, but the truth was, Levi just wanted to ditch this place and meet the Commander, Irvin Smith, for their daily matters. After all, his job here was almost done.

“Eren Jaeger. Jean Kirschtein. Congratulations on joining the team,” Levi said without any hint of celebration in his voice. “Now that it’s official, you are required to input your personal pseudonyms into these nametags.”

“Input? Why couldn’t he just use the term write? God, making such simple things complicated…” Eren thought as he and Jean were led to the table so that they could start writing.

“Now make your names cool, you will use these pseuds for the whole time you are here,” Hanji winked at both of them. It wasn’t clear whether she did this deliberately knowing how competitive these two were with each other, but oh well, this is Hanji after all.

“Well, cool is my middle name,” Jean smirked, and for the first time today he seemed to have some of his spirit back.

“I wouldn’t really expect that from someone who just barfed on his own face,” said Eren with a half chuckle.

“You think you can make a cooler name than me, huh?” Jean barked as he popped the lid of his marker, and after the two exchanged heated glares and electric charges, they started writing. It wasn’t long before they slammed their markers on the table and yelled “Done!” in unison while holding their cards up in the air.

Eren’s ID read jeankirschsteinsucksdick.

Jean’s ID read erenjaegersucksdick.

Hanji’s boisterous laughter echoed throughout the room and had she not held onto Mike, she would have fallen on her back laughing her ass off. Mike stood his ground, but he was shaking with muffled giggles as he buried his face into one hand. Only the Corporal stood unblinking, with his arms locked together.

“… You guys have sloppy penmanship,” Levi grimaced. But it didn’t matter because finally, his work of overseeing the initiation of the new recruits was done.

“zacsniffer, trolling-megane-san,” Levi nodded to his colleagues. “I’m leaving them to you.”

Hanji and Mike had to force themselves back to composure, but the best they could manage was blowing up their cheeks so as to keep from laughing.

“U-understood,” came the rather forced reply, and the satisfied Corporal headed out the door, but just before it was shut closed, Eren could swear that Levi’s calculated footsteps had turned into half-skips by the time he reached the foot of the stairs.

There were only four. Hanji was the first to speak. “Now that you guys are finally and officially part of NIPPLE—”

“I’m sorry, what?” Eren’s face was devoid of all color as he tried to mentally convince himself that he had heard his superior wrong.

“Ninja Incorporation of Pillows-Production and League of Entrepreneurs, also known as NIPPLE, our organization,” Mike said nonchalantly. “The two of you are, as of this day, formally added into the NIPPLE Communications and Negotiations Domain, otherwise known as…”

“The CoNDom!” Hanji happily finished for Mike. “Isn’t it great? You should be proud!” And as the good sempai that she was, she tapped both rookies’ on their backs, using the kind of force someone would use if they were swinging a bat to hit a baseball.

“… This is a normal day at work, right?” Jean said almost to himself, and then he grabbed Eren’s collar and said in a louder voice, “This is a fucking normal day at work, right?”

“You think I’m having it any easier? Especially with your spit on me!” Eren yelled back as his brain made him remember how Jean had barfed only a while ago. Who knows what else was in that spit? Eren frantically wiped his face with his sleeve, and willed himslef not to think.

“Calm your tits, Jaeger, Kirschstein!” Hanji said without any hint of scolding in her voice, in fact it seemed as though she giggled after saying that. She had always wanted to use that line on someone, with or without tits.

“You’re full of energy, enthusiasm, I like it! But you’ll have to use it for the clients; we’re not serving any coffee in the office for economic purposes. The rest, I’ll have to tell you on the way because as it is, we’re already late.”

“trolling-megane-san, jeankirschsteinsucksdick, and erenjaegersucksdick, this way,” Mike said, and the four continued their journey down the basement, where the true activities of the Scouting Legion take place, invisible to the world above.


	4. 'artistic sense'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Recon Corps have a high regard for Art.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been a year since I last updated this O.o Thank you for taking the time to read this nonsensical story!

“Welcome to NIPPLE, where service customer satisfaction is guaranteed!”

“… Nipple,” Jean mouthed the word as if to let the idea of it sink in. It didn’t help. Oh why did they have to be a part of something so lame and stupid…

They were now in a wider room which was ridiculously empty, except for a banner hanging on a wall saying ‘HAIL NIPPLE’, a few doors, and a humongous painting of a stickman eating poop from another stickman. Eren gaped at the blandness of the painting, taking note that the only colors were a sickly mush of brown, green, and black that made the poop look real. And it smelled real, too.

As if reading his mind, Hanji happily screamed at his ear, her hands flailing wildly at either side of him. “This is awesome isn’t it? Don’t you feel empowered by such artistry?!”

“I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand…” There was a limit to Eren’s level of comprehension, but he felt that this required more than understanding.

“This, my dear boy,” – and she pointed both palms in the direction of said painting – “is inspiration!”

Mike nodded profusely beside her, his hand folded in a fist on his chest. “You could just smell the inspiration radiating from it…!”

“… I still don’t get it,” Jean muttered. “How is this supposed to be inspiring?”

Not a second after, Jean’s collar was grabbed by Hanji with such force that made him remember why he still respected this annoying bitch. The next thing was him enduring Hanji’s spray of saliva and profanity.

“This, Mr. erenjaegersucksdick, would sell much more than Picasso’s, Michaelangelo’s and Chopin’s works combined –”

“Chopin wasn’t a painter…” Jean muttered but he was ignored.

“This was made through the efforts of everyone in this organization! Did you know just how much trouble we had of gathering the feces of all defecating members while they were in the toilet just to produce the realistic feel of the painting?”

“… do you mean…” Jean could feel another barf coming, but with his superior glued to his face, he decided he was really scared for his life, and suppressed the vomit.

“This is why a special-purpose bag is secured in each of the stationed cubicles for newbies – you have to make your first contribution on your first day.” Hanji finally let go and faced the painting once more. “Understand this, rookies. This is no ordinary painting. The best of engineers, woodcutters, brush makers, and squids for the ink, were hired – totally not threatened, okay – to contribute to this piece of art… Aren’t you cringing at the inspiration it brings?!”

The painting seemed to glow brighter, oozing with as much magnificence as poop could have. And as a wave would strike the shore, realization dawned on Eren.

“I finally get it now…” he breathed, getting chills from the awesomeness of his epiphany. “The hardwork of the blackmailed people and squids, all fused within this piece of crap – er, art! If you think about it, it truly is inspiring…!”

Both Hanji and Mike patted him on the back, this time without the force of a wrestler, but a genuine pat in the back. Beside them, Jean nodded slowly, absorbing what Eren just said, and for once thinking that he had a new respect for Eren.

“That was beautiful, jeankirschteinsucksdick,” Hanji wiped a non-existent tear from her eye. “You have reached a new level of enlightenment… Except you didn’t quite grasp the gist at all!”

Both superiors whacked the air out of Eren’s lungs as they both burst in manic laughter.

“What!?” Eren said when he got his breath back. “That moment of enlightenment was for nothing!?”

“What the hell are we supposed to be inspired about!?” Jean threw his hands up in the air.

“This awesome painting,” – Hanji pointed at said painting while Mike carried both rookies by the back of their collars to face it – “inspires us all that there are still people lamer than us, so we must not feel shame or scorn with our work! Hahaha, isn’t that genius? Laugh with me, hahaha!”

Mike’s deep laugh mixed with Hanji’s high-pitched voice was a messed up harmony in Eren’s and Jean’s ears, and they wondered at just how lame they were going along with their superiors’ shitty whims.


	5. 'shut up and take my money!'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Scouting Legion is packed full of pillow-loving bastards with fetishes.

“Condom…” Eren nervously read the metal plate of one particular door. “… Communications and Negotiations Domain.”

“This is where you’re stationed!” The happy pill Hanji put an arm around him and Jean. “We employees in the CoNDom work not only to promote good relationships with our clients, but also to ensure the anonymity of the identities of our beloved patrons. Basically, one of our priorities is protection. Business in the underworld is quite dangerous, you know?”

“Actually, business with you guys is already quite dangerous… to my sanity,” Jean muttered.

“That’s quite right, too,” Mike nodded but he and Hanji just laughed in chorus.

 

“Mikasa?” Eren gaped at his childhood friend who was sitting in her cubicle in the Phone Station.

“Oh, so you’ve been called too,” Mikasa Ackerman looked up to see her classmates.

“I thought you were always out training somewhere, but this was where you had been all along…” Eren trailed off as the idea of Mikasa knowing about the pillows earlier meant that she could have purchased some for her own entertainment. He didn’t want to be so conceited, but she couldn’t have bought multiple orders of the Snoring-Eren Collection, could she? Right?

In an effort to distract himself from this disturbing thought, he decided to check out what stupid pseudonym Mikasa came up for herself. Snuggly pinned on her jacket and written in flawless monotype corsiva, her nametag read, well… Mikasa.

As if on the same page, Mikasa’s eyes darted on their chests, and with agility that rivalled only Captain Levi himself, she grabbed both of Eren’s and Jean’s ID cards and studied them with her obsidian eyes.

“…Does this mean you suck each others’ ––”

"No fucking way!" Eren's tiny spittles landed onto Mikasa's perfect face. She trembled and blushed, hard.

"Fuck, no, I get my dick sucked by--" Jean stammered but before he could finish, Hanji had already hauled them away into their own cubicles.

 

“This is bigDaddy speaking,” came the low voice at the other side of the line. “With a big ‘D’.”

“Excuse me, sir?” Jean was close to fainting, and this was just his first caller.

“The first ‘D’ in ‘daddy’ is a big ‘D’”.

“Right. Of course. Thank you for patronizing NIPPLE, sir,” Jean’s left eye still twitched at the word but because Mikasa was sitting across from him, he wanted to look cool and professional so he disregarded his discomfort. “How can I help you?”

“I’d like to order all of your ‘Kawaii-Corporal Limited Edition’ pillows, please,” came the firm and rather confident voice from the speaker.

Jean thought he heard wrong. “Pardon me, a-all of it, sir?”

“Yes, _all_ ,” came the more emphasized reply.

“Sir, that collection is still in production, and it would take about a week before it could be delivered to your mailing address. Will that be alright?”

“That’s perfect. Make sure to inform other callers that the ‘Kawaii-Corporal’ Collection has already been sold out. Thank you for your hard work.” 

_Come on, Erwin, I’ve been waiting all fucking day to escape that lunatic and those snotty brats so we could bang the rest of the day on your bed, get off that phone right now or I’ll kill the next person who orders tomatoes for lunch, get in here and release your motherfucking big-ass anaconda into my deep wet cavern and_ —an angry voice was complaining in the background.

“…” There was that, and the sound of heavy breathing on the receiver. Jean also went silent as he just heard what was probably the dirtiest and most graphic and disgusting collation of metaphors he has ever heard in his life.

“… Goodbye,” the man on the phone (disturbingly unembarrassed and still fucking calm and collected) finally said and the call was thankfully over.

Jean thought that the voice was oddly reminiscent of the Recon’s highest seated man, but he decided to dismiss that thought, politely thanked the caller for his patronage, and passed down the order to the Auditing Committee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading until this part! :D  
> hit me up on tumblr, i'm the potato @eruriholic


End file.
